9 tips for talking to kids about sex, without the awkwardness

Experts and textbooks can give parents all the facts, suggestions or examples of how to communicate with their children about sex, but it could all amount to… not much… if deep down inside the whole subject just makes you feel uncomfortable, anxious or weird.

Some people are very comfortable talking about sex, others might only be so with close friends or a partner. And when it comes to talking to our own kids, it’s often just awkward.

To help you chat to your child about sex, Dr Melissa Kang shares these nine tips.

9 tips on talking to your kids about sex

1. Own your (dis)comfort around the sex chat

Own whatever you’re feeling, rather than getting frustrated with the outside world – whether that’s the media, social media, other people or children your kids might come into contact with, or your child themselves.

You will come across as honest and sincere. Think about how often we hear, or say, ‘I had to have THAT talk with [insert child’s name] last week’ and the people you’re talking to laugh, say ‘agh I’m dreading that day’, or ‘I’m getting [my partner] to do that’.

If we could begin to feel that these conversations are along the same lines as any other instructive, guiding, loving, caring conversations we have about topics like healthy eating, road safety, managing feelings and being polite/respectful, kids will have a better chance of feeling safe, confident and respected.

2. Don’t confuse curiosity or natural exploration with early sexualisation

Being curious is not the same thing as intending to have sex anytime soon. Curiosity will come from innate feelings such as pleasure or attraction, as well as from what they see, hear and learn from the outside world.

For example, parents can freak out if their preschooler or kindergarten child is playing with their genitals – they generally do that because it feels good.

Giving your child messages about what’s not appropriate to do in public can be given without shaming the behaviour or the child.

Similarly, young children playing games which appear sexual aren’t – at least not in an adult sense.

As your child does start to hit the tween and early teen years, feelings, body sensations and attraction can intensify – again, it’s natural, but parental guidance can be given in a way that doesn’t shame those feelings.

3. Use appropriate terminology for genitals from a young age

In general this means using words like vulva, vagina, penis, testicles and breasts.

As your child is learning the vocabulary, they need to understand their body parts. You might feel more comfortable with a nickname, such as ‘lips’, ‘fanny flaps’, ‘fanny’, ‘front hole’, ‘boobs’, ‘willy’ or ‘balls’ – which is fine, but from time to time make sure your child knows what words are used universally or in a biology class.

And of course, try to avoid derogatory language – and call it out when you hear it in the world around you.

4. Follow your child’s lead when talking about sex

They will ask questions when their interest is piqued such as ‘What does [insert word e.g. ‘sex’,’condom’, ‘horny’, ‘periods’] mean?’; ‘How did that baby get inside your tummy?’…

The internet is full of questions parents have been asked. Answer questions as simply and factually as you can – if you’ve gotten too technical, they’ll stop listening, depending on their age.

Or, they might keep asking more questions. Early teens are most likely to NOT ask questions – then it’s time to start bringing up the topic yourself.

5. Bringing up sex with a tween or teen

By the time your child hits puberty and starts hearing a lot more talk in the playground (and on social media) about sex, what they’ve learned from you and other adults who love and care for them will help guide their perspectives.

Some kids might continue asking parents questions, others might shut right down. Research shows that when teens feel that their parent/s are open to conversations and willing to listen to their thoughts, they are more likely to have sex only when they’re ready and to do so safely.

Some tips when talking to your tween/teen about set are:

• Try to choose the right time to have conversations – when you both have time, when you’re not stressed. Lots of parents talk about sensitive topics with their kids when they’re driving – it’s private, in close proximity, but you don’t have to awkwardly face each other.
• Use conversation triggers that the world around provides constantly – a news story, asking what they’re learning about in ‘sex ed’ or Health or biology or English – there are lots of examples of relationships, consent, attraction and bodies in all sorts of subject areas.

6. Let your child know that bodies, feelings, attractions and identities are diverse

In the same way that we teach our children that there is diversity when it comes to people’s height, size, physical ability, learning ability, hair, eye or skin colour, preferences people have for friends, cultural identities and activities, social activities, sports, hobbies [etc], there is also diversity when it comes to genitals, the way people go through puberty, their attractions and feelings as they grow up, how they feel about themselves and their identity.

It doesn’t have to be a lecture or a complicated conversation. Just that humans are wonderfully diverse.

7. Role model respect when talking about sex

Sharing your values and beliefs about sex with your children is fine, but also trust that to find their way to adulthood and to be happy and healthy might mean some differences of perspectives along the way.

Role model respect for other points of view, but negotiate ground rules and review them regularly. Teens need boundaries and it can be tricky – being firm without being rigid and controlling is a dance most parents do throughout their teens’ lives.

8. Help them identify their village of trusted adults in their lives, including health professionals

As children grow up, perhaps start dating, they might not want to have detailed conversations with you, especially about something as intimate as sex.

A lot will depend on the ground that’s been laid when it comes to being open (even if awkward) and willing to listen.

Let them know that they can see a doctor confidentially. Ask them which adults in their lives they’d feel safe and happy to talk to if they needed advice, help, or felt they were in trouble or in a sticky situation.

9. Talk to other parents

Especially anyone you’re coparenting with, as well as people you trust in your circle – this could be your own parent.

Find resources that are written by experts and trust in the evidence that talking about sex with your child will help them develop into more confident young adults when it comes to relationships and sex.

Most people know Dr Melissa Kang as the longest-serving expert behind the iconic ‘Dolly Doctor’ column, but she’s also a practising medical doctor for marginalised young people and is an Associate Professor at the Sydney Medical School in the University of Sydney. She is fifth-generation Malaysian-Chinese Anglo-Australian, which makes specialising in adolescent sexuality and sexual health all the more interesting. She continues to speak about these topics in the mainstream media.

Together with Yumi Stynes, she has co-authored books in their best-selling Welcome To series: Welcome to Your Period, Welcome to Consent, Welcome to Your Boobs and Welcome to Sex.

Welcome to Sex, by Dr Melissa Kang and Yumi Stynes, is a frank, age-appropriate introductory guide to sex and sexuality for pre-teens right through to highschoolers of all genders.

Available from Booktopia and all good bookstores now.