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And you get a bunch of yellow, grey and green baby stuff because no-one wants to be the gender-assumer.
Also, your parents will cry every time they see you. You cry when there’s an abandoned green bean on your plate because you feel sorry for it. And then there’s that part where a whole bunch of strangers Twitter troll you because you’re fat.
Oh hang on, no they don’t… Unless you’re pregnant and you’re Beyonce, apparently.
Yep, said-strangers have fat-shamed a pregnant-with-twins Beyonce while she carries TWO WHOLE HUMANS IN HER ACTUAL BODY.
That’s got to feel good.
Have a little thinky think about how you feel after two cheeseburgers… Having been pregnant 10 months ago, I must shake my post-baby raw-chicken-fillet-dangling-from-a-paddle-pop-stick arm in disgust and let it swing in the breeze of Beyonce’s strut over you, while she gestates two baby unicorns [unconfirmed].
Because, do you know what a woman already dealing with sweat, leaks and hair gain doesn’t want? Judgement on her body.
And, look, she’s cool. If Queen Bey can handle Becky, she can handle a troll (case in point: this very ashamed pic on Instagram).
But, that doesn’t make it OK, and we certainly don’t want any soon-to-be mamas thinking weight gain during pregnancy is some kind of public dishonour.
(How is this a relevant sentence in 2017?)
In case you’re confused, here are three very specific things you need to know about pregnancy.
Yeah, that’s right. Not only are there little human/s taking up space where previously only one’s own organs and grilled cheese just fit (on a good day), a pregnant woman’s body is also developing additional body tissue in the breasts and uterus, as well as creating extra blood and fluid.
Oh, also the placenta and uterus (that can expand x 1000).
And a baby, or two. This body is hard-working! So, next time, dear Troll, you’re on the cusp of judging the size of a pregnant woman, maybe do a quick head count of the extra internal organs you’re producing – compare, contrast, do up a pie chart if you must.
But mostly, sit down.
Some call it 1863 torture method. We call it ‘being pregnant’.
As mentioned, a pregnant woman’s body is creating extra organs and innards to prep for bub, but it also needs to make space for their child (yeah, it’s not just a sack of skin holding it in).
As the baby grows, the ligaments that keep a woman’s pelvic bones together begin to loosen, giving ‘child-bearing hips’, prepping for birth. If this doesn’t happen, complications can occur during labour, putting the baby and mother at risk.
But yeah, she should be more concerned her hip measurement is acceptable to the dried out eyeballs of keyboard warriors.
Weight gain during pregnancy is not just normal, but vital (you know, like how mean memes aren’t).
It’s also individual.
A woman who is slightly underweight will need to put on more weight once pregnant than someone of moderate weight.
A multiple pregnancy can expect to put on more than a single pregnancy, and then there’s genetics, ethnicity and simple individual predispositions.
Although, aside from a bit of weight gain, pregnancy can also be pretty damn beautiful.