The myth of perfect motherhood is hurting new mums, with 1 in 5 struggling
One in five new mums are experiencing anxiety or depression. Let’s reframe motherhood as something learned, shared and supported.
By Frances Bilbao, Clinical Psychologist and Founder of Mums Matter Psychology
Becoming a mother is one of life’s most profound transitions, yet we often cling to the outdated idea that women should simply “know what to do” by instinct.
With one in five new mothers experiencing anxiety or depression, this myth isn’t just untrue, it can be harmful. It’s time we reframed motherhood as something learned, shared, and supported.
As a Clinical Psychologist working with mums every day, I know this well.
Maternal instinct and the myth of perfect motherhood
Across cultures, the idea of a “maternal instinct” has been romanticised. We hear phrases like “you’ll just know” or “it will come naturally,” as though mothers are biologically wired with all the skills and knowledge they need from day one. While there is truth in the deep emotional bonds that form between mother and child, caring for a baby is complex. Feeding, soothing, sleep, navigating health systems, these are skills, not instincts.
So why does this idea persist? It’s partly cultural storytelling: generations of mothers raised with limited support may look back and reinforce the belief that “we coped, so you should too.” Popular media often depicts mothers as innately competent and endlessly patient, creating unrealistic standards for women in real life.
How this myth harms mothers
When we set the expectation that mothers should instinctively “just know,” we set women up to feel like failures if they struggle. And most will struggle at some point, whether it’s breastfeeding difficulties, sleepless nights, or the sheer emotional overwhelm of adjusting to new responsibilities.
This gap between expectation and reality often fuels shame, guilt, and self-doubt. Instead of reaching out for help, mothers may withdraw, believing they are “bad mums” for not meeting the myth. For some, this sense of inadequacy can tip into anxiety or depression. Far from being nurturing, the myth of maternal instinct can quietly erode a woman’s confidence and mental health.
Motherhood is a skill, not an instinct
We don’t expect anyone to walk into a new job and perform flawlessly without training or support. We don’t assume partners will just “instinctively” know how to sustain a marriage. We learn, practise, and seek guidance in most areas of life and motherhood should be no different.
Motherhood is best understood as a skill set that grows over time. Confidence develops with experience. Knowledge expands with guidance. And resilience is built with the right support. This reframing is not about undermining mothers, but about empowering them because when we recognise motherhood as something learned, we make space for support to be normalised.
Practical ways to support yourself
Support needs to come from every level—partners, families, professionals, and the wider community. Here are some practical ways:
Build community: Join or create mother’s groups, online forums, or peer networks. Shared stories reduce isolation.
Seek professional guidance: Perinatal psychologists, GPs, maternal and child health nurses, and midwives can provide evidence-based support.
Encourage partner involvement: Partners play a critical role. Sharing household tasks, taking on baby care, and protecting time for mothers to rest all matter.
Challenge the myth: Talk openly about the reality of early parenthood. Normalise the learning curve, rather than hiding struggles.
Ask for and accept help: Whether from friends, family, or professionals, seeking support is a sign of strength, not weakness.
Reframing motherhood as collective, not solo
Motherhood was never meant to be done in isolation. Across history and cultures, women raised children with villages around them. When we acknowledge that motherhood is a learned role, supported by community and care, we reduce shame and build resilience. To every new mother navigating the early days: you don’t have to know it all. You don’t have to do it alone. Motherhood is not instinctive perfection, it’s a journey of learning, growth, and shared support.
Australia’s largest perinatal telehealth service, Mums Matter Psychology, provides bulk-billed support for parents managing stress, anxiety, and the challenges of early parenthood. If early motherhood feels overwhelming, you don’t have to face it alone. Mums Matter offers specialist perinatal mental health support nationwide. Learn more here.
