Ask the Village: “I like one of my kids more. Am I an awful mother?”
A concerned mum asks our parenting community for advice.
While many parents won’t admit to having a favourite child, treating kids differently – because they are different – is understandable.
When called out by her husband for favouring one of her two children, a mum admitted to herself that she did perhaps “like” her son more.
Feeling guilty, the poster headed to the Bounty Parents Facebook page and called on the Ask the Village community of parents for advice.
“My husband and I have two kids, a 10-year-old boy and a seven-year-old girl. My children couldn’t be more different. My son is easy-going and never causes me any stress but my daughter is stubbon, will sulk if she doesn’t get her own way and loves to create drama,” she begins.
“Last night, my husband and I were chatting privately and he said that it was obvious that I love our son more and that I always favour him. I was in total shock. I argued back that it wasn’t true but now I can’t get the thought out of my head.”
She continues: “While I love them both perhaps I do “like” my son more? Am I an awful mother? Has anyone else felt this way? What advice can you share?”
One mum could sympathise with the poster and gave her some sound advice as a mother-of-four.
“I have 4 kids and I love them all but it doesn’t mean that I like them all the time! They can be real jerks sometimes. But the fact that you are thinking about this and trying to gain understanding shows that you do love them both very much,” she writes.
“The biggest thing I recommend is figure out your kids love language, their interest, their hobbies and connect on things that don’t have emotions attached to them. Maybe something just the two of you do together. Maybe she needs something she’s not communicating?”
Other mothers suggested that it was ok to have different kinds of relationships with your children.
“While I love them both perhaps I do “like” my son more? Am I an awful mother? Has anyone else felt this way?”
Another offered her experience with her very different children, writing: “I have two girls 6 & 4 my eldest has sass, attitude & is stubborn. My 4 yr old is chill nothing worries her & she never argues back. It’s not a question that you love one more then the other. It’s just your daughters attitude frustrate you & they can make life more stressful & extra hard. We all want children who are easy to live with but there’s always one who makes life harder but we love them all the same.”
She finished: “Don’t let your husbands thoughts affect how you feel. Keep strong mumma xx”
Another mama suggested her daughter’s behaviour triggered her more.
“Maybe her personality is more similar or completely opposite to yours so you dont understand or it pushes your buttons. If shes similar to you and you weren’t given the opportunity to express yourself when you were a kid so the fact that she does is really hard for you. It doesnt mean you like or love either of your kids differently but more that you struggle more with your daughters behaviour for whatever reason,” she writes.
“I’d recommend the book Parenting from the Inside Out by Daniel Siegel. It goes into how parenting tends to bring up a lot of these old stuff from our own childhoods and why one childs temperament may affect you more because of your experiences.”
“If you focus on it being okay to treat them differently because they’re different people and have different needs, that’s OK.”
What does the research suggest? Do parents tend to favour one child over another?
According to survey results from 2017, The youngest sibling in a family is more likely to be the parents’ favourite.
Researchers from Brigham Young University’s School of Family Life interviewed more than 300 families and discovered that the baby of the family is seen by everyone else to be the absolute favourite – and as a result the parents and that child have a very strong relationship.
Assistant Professor Alex Jensen, who conducted the study, says that while this information might alarm parents who are worried they are playing favourites with their children, it’s not important to treat all children equally.
“When parents are more loving and they’re more supportive and consistent with all of the kids, the favouritism tends to not matter as much,” Jensen says. “Some parents feel like ‘I need to treat them the same.’
“What I would say is ‘No you need to treat them fairly, but not equally.’ If you focus on it being okay to treat them differently because they’re different people and have different needs, that’s OK.”
