Your teenage daughter doesn’t need to be popular. She needs good friends

A psychologist explains the two types of popularity and which one can actually help teenage girls thrive.  

By Philipa Tlaskal

“I often think of friendships as a kind of social medicine that we all need more of,” says

Dr Mary Kaspar, who wants to ‘de-shame’ your daughter’s attitude to popularity.

“During adolescence, the brain goes through a renovation that makes attention and inclusion from peers really important. It’s completely normal to want to be part of the social action,” she says.

 “Although it’s unrealistic to be close friends with everyone or always see eye to eye, treating peers well (and being liked in return) is totally healthy.”

Popularity isn’t the problem. But the type of popularity matters.

But here’s what most of us were never told: ‘popular’ isn’t one thing.

Dr Mary has extensively researched the choice teenage girls can make between two types of popularity mindsets: the Field versus the Stairs: that is, likeable popularity versus status-seeking popularity.

Dr Mary invites parents to visualise a towering iron staircase, where narrow stairs only allow a few girls to cling insecurely to the very top. Their peers gaze up at them enviously, clinging to the next slippery rung. They scan below them where others are clambering up and pulling at their ankles. Thunder claps and the rain falls. Most girls are drenched and unhappy.

It is easy to see why teens climb, because the view from higher up looks great and the teenage brain is finely tuned to notice who’s where. But nobody on the stairs gets to stand still and to relax into themselves, because their place is only as secure as their last post, outfit or invitation.

Would you rather your daughter climb or belong?

Now, shut your eyes and envision bright sunshine, an expansive green field, sprinkled with sweet-smelling daisies and healthy, springy grass where teens can tumble and roll, helping each other up hand in hand, free and mingling like a scene from the ‘Sound of Music.’

Which one do you want for your daughter?

Dr Mary sees the Stairs analogy as representing the most visible status-seeking popularity most seen on social media. It is characterised by a need to dominate the competition for likes by outward indicators of status; beauty, clothes and boyfriends. This type of Mean Girls popularity is exclusive, and is based on relational aggression to maintain the hierarchy; think Regina George’s catty question to Cady, “So you think you’re pretty?”

Popularity and social media

“An individual’s popularity is always going up or down, and social media is a brilliant platform to facilitate that,” says Dr Mary. “You can elevate yourself through your highlight reel, but you can also find ways to cyberbully and to degrade another person.”

Relational aggression can be status seeking, and so can seemingly charming behaviours. One example Dr Mary has personally witnessed is a group of girls who got together to very cleverly mock another girl’s post. Because they all went to the same school, the same people were seeing it. The aggressors effectively managed to increase their own status by knocking another girl down.

“Because every girl’s position is always shifting, the staircase is wobbly for everyone, including the girls near the top. Some teens hold their place by putting others down, and those on the receiving end can be deeply hurt. Status-seeking is associated with lower well-being over time,” Dr Mary adds.

What if popularity didn’t have to be a competition?

Rather, Dr Mary advocates a  FIELD framework of popularity:  slow, steady, calm and sustaining as a teenage girl walks alongside others and treats them as equals rather than rivals.

“Her success as a likeable, supportive friend to herself and others is a slow burn and can sustain her as a protective strategy throughout her life rather than for a social media season,” says Dr Mary with a warm smile, “I have used it with my own three daughters.”

She explains that teens stay on the Field when others feel valued, included, and respected around them, and she unpacks the FIELD acronym as a guide for behaviours and conversations that create this kind of environment:

The five things that make a good friendship

Fair: Treat all peers as equally valuable. Do not treat people as lower or higher than you.

Interested: Show genuine interest in who your peers are as people, not just their achievements, background or appearance.

Easy to be around: Be respectful and approachable so others feel safe being themselves.

Loyal: Treat people with respect both to their face and behind their back.

Direct: Communicate clearly and respectfully when challenges arise, so others feel secure, respected, and know where they stand with you.

“Friendships in the Field still have ups and downs, but disagreements happen between equals rather than rivals,” she says, “and long term, this may be far healthier and less stressful for your daughter.”

Dr Mary’s 10 tips to help your teenager step off the staircase

[Please note that this is general information and not a substitute for individual advice]

1. Talk to your daughter openly about her experience of popularity and introduce her to the staircase and FIELD analogy.

2. Explore social media with curiosity rather than judgement. You can talk about how platforms reward status-seeking. The useful question to ask is: “Which way does your daughter want to face?”

3. As a parent, make sure that home feels like a FIELD. Model your own fairness, interest in her, easiness to be with (limiting criticism), being loyal, building trust, and being direct (clear is kind).

4. Judge your daughter on who she is and not what she does. Let her know her worth is built in and that it doesn’t rise with good marks, likes, or invitations, and it doesn’t fall when those things go badly. On the stairs, worth is always up for grabs. In the field, it is never in question.

5. Positively call out FIELD behaviour that you observe in her. Express appreciation when she is making herself and others feel good about themselves.

6. Remember you were a teen once too. If high school friendships were hard for you, your teen’s social life might feel triggering. Give yourself compassion for what you went through. Support your teen wth curiosity and notice the lens you may be bringing to your daughter’s social experiences.

7. Reach out to your daughter’s school for resources and support and observe how they deal with antisocial behaviour. They may be part of The Friendship Project, a teen program using Dr Mary’s Field Not Stairs framework which teaches students how to manage the intricacies of popularity and friendships in a busy online space with plenty of ‘experts.’

8. Ensure there is nothing holding her back from being prosocial and showing her best side by addressing anxiety and building confidence through a school counsellor or a GP.

9. Creating opportunities for out of school friendships through hobbies and co-curricular experiences.

10. Ask yourself how popular she needs to be? Research suggests that even one close, supportive friendship can make a big difference – it’s quality over quantity.

After all, popularity was not always such a controversial word. What your daughter now calls her ‘riz,’ was once called popularitis in Latin, and it meant ‘fellow citizenship’ – not a bad way to be.

Dr Mary Kaspar is a Clinical Psychologist in private practice and an Adjunct Senior Research Fellow at the University of New England. She is the author of ‘The Popular Girls,’ and the founder of The Friendship Project. To learn more about the Field and stairs, go to www.thefriendshipproject.com.au to join The Friendship Project newsletter and podcast.

Philipa Tlaskal is an educator and freelance writer.