New to Bounty?
When model Chrissy Teigen shared a series of heartbreaking black and white images as a tribute to her baby “Jack” who miscarried at 20 weeks at the end of September, the response was an outpouring of love from fans.
The world had been following along with 34yo Chrissy’s third pregnancy as the star endured what she has described as a “scary” and complicated pregnancy.
Since then, the social media star has been uncharacteristically quiet, as would be expected. However now Chrissy Teigen is sharing the heart wrenching details about the tragic loss of her son Jack at 20 weeks pregnant, including addressing her reasons for sharing ‘those images’ at the time.
In the emotive essay posted to Medium, and later shared to Instagram on Tuesday, Chrissy opened up about being being hospitalised “with partial placenta abruption,” which led to the heartbreaking moment that meant “it was time to say goodbye” to her baby son, Jack.
“We had tried bags and bags of blood transfusions, every single one going right through me like we hadn’t done anything at all,” she penned. “Late one night, I was told it would be time to let go in the morning. I cried a little at first, then went into full blown convulsions of snot and tears, my breath not able to catch up with my own incredibly deep sadness.”
“Even as I write this now, I can feel the pain all over again,” she continued. “Oxygen was placed over my nose and mouth, and that was the first picture you saw. Utter and complete sadness.”
At the time of sharing the news of their loss, the response to the raw images of John and Chrissy going through the heartbreak and loss of their son drew a mixed response.
Some found it confronting, while others found it powerful and a message that needed to be seen to help normalise pregnancy loss.
The fact is that everyday families are suffering from miscarriage and loss; it does not discriminate. Women feel alone and isolated, men feel confused and helpless, and both need support. Chrissy sharing her loss helped bring it to the light.
Speaking of the controversy, the Lip Sync Battle host said: “I had asked my mom and John to take pictures, no matter how uncomfortable it was. I explained to a very hesitant John that I needed them, and that I did NOT want to have to ever ask. That he just had to do it.”
“He hated it. I could tell,” she said. “It didn’t make sense to him at the time. But I knew I needed to know of this moment forever, the same way I needed to remember us kissing at the end of the aisle, the same way I needed to remember our tears of joy after Miles and Luna. And I absolutely knew I needed to share this story.”
Miscarriage and stillbirth are so often kept in the dar, by sharing her experience Chrissy is helping bring it into the light.
Chrissy also addressed those who had something negative to say about the pictures,
“I cannot express how little I care that you hate the photos. How little I care that it’s something you wouldn’t have done,” the grieving mother continued.
“I lived it, I chose to do it, and more than anything, these photos aren’t for anyone but the people who have lived this or are curious enough to wonder what something like this is like,” Teigen wrote. “These photos are only for the people who need them. The thoughts of others do not matter to me.”
The model and cookbook author went on to describe what happened in the room as they said goodbye to their darling boy.
“My mom, John and I each held him and said our own private goodbyes, mom sobbing through Thai prayer,” the grieving mum wrote. “I asked the nurses to show me his hands and feet and I kissed them over and over and over again. I have no idea when I stopped. It could have been 10 minutes or an hour.”
WATCH: Chrissy Teigen’s mum says her “heart aches” for the loss of baby Jack
“I dunno how long he had been waiting to be delivered for. That will probably always haunt me. Just writing it makes my nose and eyes tingle with tears. All I know now is his ashes are in a small box, waiting to be put into the soil of a tree in our new home, the one we got with his room in mind,” she continued. “People say an experience like this creates a hole in your heart. A hole was certainly made, but it was filled with the love of something I loved so much. It doesn’t feel empty, this space. It feels full.”
Always candid and honest, The Chrissy’s Court star went on to explain that even her happy moments lately are tainted in a way.
“I also cry when I get mad at myself for being too happy.
“I feel bad our grief was so public because I made the joy so public. I was excited to share our news with the world. Stories leading up to this had been chronicled for all. It’s hard to look at them now. I was so positive it would be okay. I feel bad that I made you all feel bad. I always will.”
Chrissy concluded her essay by thanking her fans for allowing her to share it.
“Jack will always be loved, explained to our kids as existing in the wind and trees and the butterflies they see,” she said. “Thank you so much to every single person who has had us in their thoughts or gone as far as to send us your love and stories. We are so incredibly lucky.”
If the subject matter of the story has affected you, please call the SANDS 24 hour support line on 1300 072 637 or visit their website here.