Ditch the time-out. Why time-ins work better, says a psychologist
Forget the time-out, time-ins are the new way to handle meltdowns.
By Tanya Forster
If you’ve ever found yourself sending your child to the naughty corner or putting them in time-out mid-meltdown, please know you’re not alone. As parents, most of us are doing the best we can with the tools we were given. And for a long time, time-outs were seen as a “better” alternative to yelling or smacking.
But here’s what I want more parents to know: we now have decades of research into child brain development that shows time-outs may not be helping the way we think they are. In fact, in many cases, they could be doing more harm than good.
Why it’s time to rethink time-outs
When children have a meltdown, their brains go into fight-or-flight mode. Their nervous system is flooded, their “thinking brain” switches off, and they physically can’t process instructions, reason, or learn.
What they need in that moment isn’t isolation. It’s connection.
Sending them away during an emotional storm often leaves them feeling rejected when they need us the most.
So, what works better? Time-ins.
Instead of isolating your child, I encourage parents to stay close. Offer calm, steady support. This is called a “time-in.”
It’s not about giving in to the behaviour. It’s about helping your child ride out their big feelings with you by their side. This could mean sitting quietly nearby, offering a hug (if they’re ready for it), or simply saying: “I can see you’re upset. I’m here.”
In our house, I remind myself: My child isn’t giving me a hard time… they’re having a hard time.
Busting the old-school parenting myths
I know some people worry that this approach seems “soft” or that kids won’t learn boundaries. But calm, connected parenting isn’t about being permissive. It’s about being both kind and firm at the same time.
Discipline literally means “to teach.” Our job isn’t to control our kids – it’s to coach them through how to handle big feelings and difficult moments.
The best learning happens when kids feel safe, not scared.
Empathy: The real game-changer
One of the biggest shifts I see in families I work with is when parents start seeing their child’s behaviour as communication, not defiance.
Every tantrum, every meltdown, is a message.
Instead of thinking “How do I stop this?”, try asking “What’s really going on for my child right now?”
That change in mindset can make such a difference – not just in the moment, but in your overall relationship with your child.
Four things every parent needs to know
- The ‘Naughty Corner’ isn’t teaching emotional skills
Time-outs can feel like rejection. Kids need us close to help them calm down, not to sit alone with overwhelming feelings they don’t yet know how to manage. - All behaviour is communication
A tantrum isn’t your child being naughty, it’s a sign they’re struggling with something that feels too big to handle. - Connection is your secret weapon
You don’t need fancy reward charts or complicated systems. Your steady presence and a calm tone of voice are often the most powerful tools. - Understanding the brain changes how you parent
Once you know that your child’s reasoning brain literally goes offline during emotional outbursts, you’ll stop trying to explain or lecture in the heat of the moment and start focusing on calming first, talking later.
I always remind parents: you don’t have to get this perfect. Small changes can make a big difference.
That’s exactly why I created my Confident Parenting Program – to give families (especially those stuck on long waitlists) practical, affordable, science-backed tools they can use right now.
Because parenting shouldn’t feel like a guessing game. And every child deserves connection, even in their hardest moments.
